~Home~ <3

Getting home from LA, house smells like beer, Noah had mopped 3 times (that day), still dried marshmallow scuzz on floor. Teen party, take the GRE, teen party, clean house (only I can do this). Laundry room destroyed again. Vomit on blankets. Teen party.


Grad school deadline, heater knocked over on foot, give advice to teens (college would be fun for you) shots of whiskey from other teens (teen party). Kisses on the cheek from the most wasted (the youngest) teens at teen party. Dead bird on porch has been put into a ham sandwich: sculptural ashtray. Bird smells bad in the day, when she thaws… but SHE NEVER WAKES UP! Shopping cart in yard with broken chair.


Christian and Marie Claire come over. Fonzi, Christian and Marie Claire come over. I cleaned the house (only I am capable of this). Teen party. Recycling comical. Recycling doesn’t get taken out. I didn’t do it because I overslept (teen party).


2nd Grad school deadline. Teen party. When I got back from LA (before which I had deep-cleaned house) I left instructions for how to clean house (not followed). Mailman offended by dead-bird smell. 20 computer fans, 2 ultrasonic sensors. Renting a bending brake in Rio Rancho and learning to weld via credit card debt (haven’t been paid back for rent or bills for a while). Plane tickets also on credit card debt. (Couldn’t pay for those with my wages anyway).


Realized the deadline for the place I’m applying in Finland was 3 days away, finished and submitted my application online, and had to send them documents to arrive by the 15th. Got a copy of diploma attested. Car tire blew out driving home. Pulled over and changed tire – they attach the bolts pneumatically so it took a lot of muscle to get them off. Cold hands lifting my car on its little jack with the wrong tool (a small bolt, for leverage).  The doughnut went totally flat driving across the parking lot. I walked home, carrying my diploma, the attested copy of my diploma, and a six pack. A dog started following me. It was funny.


Earlier that day, Dion had left 20+ post-its on my desk that each said: “PLUM WINE.” He was waiting at my house, we went to three stores that didn’t have plum wine.


Next day, late for work because the post office (which I was trying to use to express-mail my Finland Grad school application) said they couldn’t send something to Finland. They kept giving me the wrong forms and finally said they didn’t have the right envelope. When I told them I was late for work and didn’t have a car they taped it in an over-large envelope. They also bought burritos from a woman selling them from a little cooler. Maybe that’s what I should do (sell burritos, as was my first job, before I could legally be hired). 


Anyway, post office couldn’t get application there on time so I used UPS online for 1 day express and that was $20 cheaper.
I am enabling the teen parties? Yes, because I am paying most of the rent and all of the bills. I am also lessening my chances of graduate school via being distracted and kept up late, even with earplugs in, trying to sleep. After work the next day knowing I was pushing against my next deadline I joked “bar?” Tina and I went out. Tina offered for me to live with her. I said: “When can I move in?”

Goo World

Sarah used her airline points to get us tickets to LA (lucky!).


Getting up at 4:30am what I wanted was just a cold brew coffee with coconut-based ice cream in there, cacao nibs up top – get the little lady started. Portobello tempeh-bacon cashew-cheese chili burger with a salad and fried artichoke hearts to go with the coffee. A sunlit-trip to China town galleries with Raven, a free visit to botanical gardens via reciprocal museum-pass, and pizza delivered to the bungalow with some friends and beers. A talk on psychic dogs at a bar, followed by a noise show.



Studying for the GRE before anyone else gets up, I discovered a coffee date almost by accident because LA is easy. Museum of Jurassic technology was a magical process of discovery, also free with my reciprocal pass. At a thrift store I found $200 Italian trousers, pockets not yet seam-ripped, fit me perfectly: $18. Venice beach was down the street. Ran straight into the ocean – me: skinny jeans and turtleneck, Crocket: underwear. We walked around for a couple hours after that, picturing life on scooters by the beach, trick-or-treating for cocktails at the houses of the wealthy. Cold butts, but easy-cold, like 50 degrees fahrenheit.


Skyping with Emily/Benji in future-time (Hong Kong) and getting a virtual tour of part of the city while drinking 4Loko. A NYE party where we played tag with Brendan and Alanna. They have to come back to Fe to get us back.


Pho with Everything is Terrible after after a look at his upstairs China Town studio (where they rented him out, and he was counting hundreds of Jerry Maguire VHSs). Everything at Ph0 87 had beef, pork, chicken, or shrimp, except the vegan pho – which was excellent. As was the coconut cream and red bean drink.



I found a cutie – “Yin” asked them “Beach?” to which they replied “yuh.” We didn’t manage to coordinate outside of a text-chain, but nice to know I have game in a place where there is one.



At the second beach, Point Doom, we hiked down some cliffy-landscape. Crocket and I went swimming in the waves at sunset ~ perfect hair forever ~ Sarah and Sandra opened the matte black champagne bottle and we drank on the sand till it was dark.


.99 store has those $6 lettuce bins, but fresh, for.99. Also everything else. Move to LA, get part time work at MOCA and foodstamps, spend them at .99 store –  start an illegal taco stand and make a killing (vegan killing). “Taco Beast” a reference to Taco Bell if Taco Bell is Taco Belle: Taco Belle and the Taco Beast.


Flagstaff Arizona at The Monty, where it turned out Crocket and I had both gone on tour, we walked to the vegan curry place and cursed the parking. Sitting in the “most haunted” hotel room, we all talked ~the feelings~ and ~the thoughts~ I realized I have never heard Sandra say anything negative. She makes clear statements, well thought out, and compassionate, about every subject. I aspire to her outlook, and communication skills. I aspire to be like my friends in many ways, Sarah for her super observant/critical nature and limitless kindness, Crocket for perseverance, outlook, and getting shit done.

On the road trip back we ate limitless snax from .99 store. A trucker told me she liked my hair, said she would let her son cut her hair after seeing my do. Crocket said: “Why didn’t you leave with her? Free U.S. tour!



I wasn’t getting my arduino patch to work so I decided to do something easy and wire computer fans. Once that was done I needed to build a little water-vapor machine, but the styrofoam box I had found in the backyard was a too small. I took a dull kitchen knife to carve out the inside and cut my knuckle. Noah was in the bathroom, where I thought some bandages might exist, so I sucked the blood from the cut for a few minutes and thought about what I should do next.

Noah got out of the shower and I ran a bath with as much hot water as I could get (about ⅓ of the tub), trimming my pubic hair as the water ran, thinking that the action may be futile, but how nice would it be to get laid in the near future? I Don’t know.  

The bath got cold quickly and the paper-towel/tape around my cut became inefficient. The little drops of blood were beautiful falling  and spreading in the water.

The towel was wet so I danced around and mopped up the blood that was still falling from my hand with toilet paper. I finally wrangled a bandage around the cut and stood in front of the heater, where my wardrobe was drying. (Today I figured out that I could hang my wet clothing from magnets on the Monster, and that is more efficient than using the broken dryer).

This morning I had a dream Romy was in town. She sat on some flat tan rocks. It was sunny and there were pools of water nearby. She was shirtless. I was so excited to see her! I kissed her cheeks and neck endlessly.

After sitting by the heater for (X) I wrote to Romy and caught up on my journal.


I brought Bea a “kit” (flowers and the vase she had left at my house). We all drank Modelos and whiskey and ate curry. It was just like the summer in that things felt fun and Lucas and I were topless . Lucas’ haircut was a community endeavor. I took his ponytail to put in our shrine along with the “girl hair.”


When I visited Kristen in New York in 2008 she had so much work to do, end of semester style. She lived on 4 hours of sleep a night and we slept together on her twin dorm bed.

We were at the big dining hall, having breakfast one day and as I poured cereal into a bowl she started chanting: “you are a bachelor, you can have as much cereal as you want, you can have as much sex as you want!” We jumped around and laughed. It was a shower of neurochemical joy that cancelled out every other thing.

We have had this bag of puffed millet at my house for several months. Tonight I came home late, poured hot sauce on a cup of it, and thought about that moment.


I ate 8 tangerines, dhal, fried rice, and a salad over the course of the day (also coffee and green tea). Dion asked me for a bite of my salad and said it was good, then we all talked about dressings (I had made a spicy/creamy one with chickpeas and chipotle).

On Dion’s suggestion, As I re-sized photos I listened to a talk from Dr Greger, who analyzes every nutrition report over the course of the year. Basically don’t eat animal products, they cause cancer, alzheimer’s, etc.  Also, it literally kills animals to kill them 4 food. 

Tina asked if I had painkillers, I went to 5 and Dime and got some for her along with a cake (Cliff Builders Bar)

Dion wrote: “Rhodia Rosea” on a piece of paper for me after I yawned

Crocket came into the store around twilight (4:30). We had a break to drink apple cider and go joy riding.

Bethany and Dion went over reports, 10% of new customers come in through the web, up from around 3% last year. Don’t know if that growth is good or not good but I am responsible for it.


My dad, Sarah, and I were hiking through illuminated snow to the caves for new year’s eve. It was either someone’s ephemeral new media project that was creating light patterns on the ground, or the northern lights.

The caves were large and well lit. We sat on the ground and watched the otherworldly dancing. Oliver and Corvas were among the performers, wearing completely sheer capes over naked bodies. They flipped around, holding their weight on their arms, wiggling their torsos like they didn’t have bones.

Corvas noticed me watching and we made vivid eye contact: he was showing me this secret. It was the best dancing I had ever seen. 
It became one of those days where I never fully woke up, but the dream colored my day in this sublime way. Now all I want to do is dance like that.


Lifehack: No leftovers for lunch tomorrow? Make a pot of dhal just now. The more beers you have had the more garlic the dhal will have – yum!

The more bad you are the more bags of pixel modules will be on your floor.

Sleep until 9. Work at 9:30. (15 minutes of exposure to sunlight). Never set an alarm, just be late to work. And don’t take a lunch break to buy a burrito – $5 is a cheap lunch out but more than the ingredients for a burrito. Plus there will cold grey clots of turkey on your (non menu item) vegan burrito.

A lunch break also costs $6 after taxes, so that’s $13 (+ tip at counter service) for a lunch that could be $2. No sunlight without lunch break though, loose hatchtag $ (#$) for a lunch break though. We could all need a work-buddy to peer-pressure us into any vitamin D.

I wish I could have a cup of chamomile tea. I wish I could stand in a shallow pool of sunlit water. (Again). No one knew that that was what I was doing, hiding tequila at the Rat Rat. Shallow devil in sunlit water. I didn’t see the toothbrush I had stowed there (long ago) there (recently). Sad shallow devil in moonlight. No time for that kind of fast-sadnes. The kind of fast sadnes with 2 s’s only.

Everyone conspiring against me like: “Let’s hang out,” “we love you,” “this will be fun.” It’s true. let’s hang out, I love you, this is fun.

I don’t want to do the work that I don’t want to do, therefore I am lazy.

I wanna figure out how 2 code these depth sensors and not finish my (overdue) project for Meow Wolf. I wanna wire some fans and go to the hardware store. I wanna drink these beers and sing “Glue” with Sean and Noah while there is snow on the porch.

I dislike class structure and the abstraction of labor but do like working hard and pleasing people.

It is so cold in my room but I have a hot water bottle and synthetic covers. I hardly sleep but sleep hard lately, don’t notice parties and can barely visualize my next day b4 crashing on my iceslab…  I only get ½ of what the 3 me’s could do done in 1 night, because every me got sleepy. 

I do the work I don’t want to do out of obligation (+ 2 pay 4 living), therefore I am a sinner. 



I slept till 9, worked at 9:30, but had already packed lunch.

At 10:30 Crocket texted me, we met at 11 and sat in the sun and snow on the plaza. Then at 3 we got coffee. Whenever I take breaks my work output is higher, but I get paid less. I h8 capitalism so bad.

Tonight I am feeling spaghetti, listening to podcasts, and wiring pixel modules. One of the best feelings is when I realize I want to have spaghetti for dinner and then I make spaghetti for dinner. I’ll probably go to Italy, taste spaghetti for the first time and realize everything I love is a lie.

I had planned to go to Meow Wolf to design 1 more board and laser it/send my final diagrams to Zevin, but the internet was down there.

It will likely take longer than I think it will to wire pixel module boards, but afterward I am committed to going to the gym and doing maths !

Am I getting more realistic about time allotment? Or no?

– No

Sitting and reading an article about how to be more financially responsible at 7:20 pm. With a beer. Prior to this I drove to Smith’s to buy beer because I wanted to feel happy > anxious. I left the marinara on low during this time, and it turned out deep and flavorful the way that only slow-cooked sauce does. I sort of floated into the grocery store, and smiled at everyone I saw.

The other night I was saying that I am not interested in a relationship, I just want to fall casually-deeply in love, and to make out. I feel like it’s easy to fall deeply in love… casually. Can I explain why this feels true to me? Only if you usurp capitalism and the concept of love as ownership. 



At the gym I ran around on the bullshit for for 40 minutes, then did all the stuff with my arms. I probably need to lift more weight because I haven’t really felt sore.

I got all the things at the grocery store for $39. At home Noah cleaned the kitchen and I made hummus + roasted vegetables.

Mom had us pick her up because her car is having a rodent’s nest. My car got stuck in Nodia’s driveway where we were borrowing her 8 track. Noah and I talked about how “Back Up” by Dej Loaf is the most feminist song on pop radio, and also the best song on pop radio. Upon pulling into the tree lot we saw the ideal candidate and tied it to the top of my car with twine. That is probably the spot where every tree will have to be rotated in order to be purchased.

I opened two Marble Reds for Noah and I and mom put Betty Boop on as we decorated the tree. She made mushroom/wild rice soup, Sean came over, and we all played the most sad songs. At the end of the night I was stressed for not getting the work I had planned to do done and mom gave me a hug.

I stayed up till 12:30 or so painting my Pixel Module boards for Meow Wolf as Noah and River watched a Vice documentary on Hot Sugar. They left and I let Youtube auto-play “Menudo” videos until Sean came home. He sat on the couch with his liter of diet coke and watched the Menudo videos.



In a big house, many rooms. Below the house, basement area, not as nice. Looking through neatly arranged archival closets (with Eileen’s dolls hanging out in a fortress of beads etc.) one could see through to a shag-carpeted living room with a modern lamp. I was thinking that with this much space, used to it’s full potential, many people could live here.

Upstairs, radiant heated concrete floors. I was in the girl’s room, she said: “they’re so lucky, they have a pool.” The pool outside this house was drained, but further on, through the clean windows of another house, there was a well-lit indoor pool.

I mentioned to the girl that my flirting game may be lacking. She said she would give me some pointers, draped her body around me, and kissed me. We snuck into a bathroom. Someone asked to come in and we vacated. I followed her down the hall, her top was a black leather bra.

We were sidetracked with others at the party so didn’t get to finish our moment. I woke up thinking about continuing moments.

I felt tired and pain – didn’t want to go to the gym

I didn’t want to take painkillers either, so I drank a Java Stout.

Then I wanted a boughten coffee. Java Joe’s on Siler was closed so I went to Betterday.

Josh was working, Cyrus was sitting, and I ran into Shayla. Some 90’s dance music was playing and everyone was bobbing their heads. It was gray outside. They have house made almond milk at Betterday now. As I drove away I saw Vince walking from the Co Op, he was chewing gum and thinking.

I spent the day at meow Wolf, using the laser cutter. Once it was dark Sarah and I went to Duel for discount beer and vegan brautworst. Then arrived at Christian’s opening, “Fire Hydrant” which had clever arrangement to match its content. 

Everyone danced around, as always happens to some extent. Crocket, Sandra, and I played musical-beers until everyone had a beverage they wanted. Lindsey came and later Noah and I conferred about how beautiful we think she is.

Sarah and I left,  blasting the Knife in her truck as it snowed.

I went to the gym and blasted The Knife in my headphones. Then I studied for the GRE until I was sooo sleepy.


In my dream I was learning a new visual coding language that connects objects together – like a river system and the flora/fauna surrounding… Massive 3d spatial code that affects things in the physical world by affecting things in the physical world.

I woke actual up at 5 (having had disturbed sleep) and the t33n party was still raging. I considered going to the gym but was ultimately too sleepy, then slept late and wasn’t able to go to the gym or bank as I had planned (and was late for work). Also the t33ns ate the lunch I had packed for myself the night before.

Mom said I could come over after work because I didn’t want to be tempted to clean our house, what with the comical swarm of December-flies buzzing over the insane carnage of t33n irony.