if anything


The airline procedures on Aeroflot are all in slow motion and exalt beautiful, smiling stewardesses interacting with young children. Oddly enough this is pretty much the scene around me on the airplane.

A flight attendant said something in Russian, pushing a cart of drinks and I said: “red wine?” She poured the wine into a paper cup that depicted a sea of blood with the Coca Cola logo floating above.

A food cart made its way down the alley and the stewardess looked at me quizzically, then said “vegetarian?” I emote vegetarianism. Resting vegan face.

With 3 hours before my flight I tracked down a vegan restaurant. This required that I leave the airport and go through security at a different terminal. I won many points in LAX’s platform game of “Vegan Separatism.”

I think to myself: “should I feel nervous?” then sit back in my pervasive sense of calm. There is something about travel that makes me feel inordinately relaxed. (I am also the type of person who routinely misses flights).

I am having a pleasant time laying my thoughts out across the “Notes” app. As always, the onboard wifi doesn’t work and all my pre-loaded articles have been replaced with a smiling Russian stewardesses (clones, like nurse Joy and officer Jenny). They are so beautiful. I dropped my toy truck in the aisle – flight attendant Roxana picked it up and smiled at me. later, as I was sleeping, flight attendant Roxana pulled a blanket over me. As the airplane crashed into the sea, flight attendant Roxana put her oxygen mask on before assisting me with mine.

Pokemon metaphors are vital. The most important thing to think about is how I am like a magikarp, and how I have to focus on swimming up that waterfall. One thing that is really boring to think about is that I lost and/or used all my fake money. I’m in debt around $6000 between car repairs, airline tickets (not refunded by insurance), Airline tickets (new), and dental surgery. I just can’t get myself to particularly care. It will take me > 6 months to pay it all back with current wages at full time but I also feel the time to quit my job is nigh.

Yes, it is time to move to a new place by myself and quit my job. Both unreasonable things to do in the perspective of money, though more and more money is a construct I don’t really get… pun intended.

The other day Lynn said something about how I “wouldn’t understand” because I’m “not a capitalist.” It’s true – at home Noah and I sit around and invent communism all day (how lazy).  Mom says “there is a lot of money in the world, I hear.” I’ve heard that too. More importantly, there are the things that we physically need to survive – like this fruit cup!

I am delighted my airline breakfast: potatoes, spinach, and whole little mushrooms, bread, fruit, and tea. A side dish had kiwi, melon and pineapple cut into tiny pieces with cilantro. A lemon wedge, lettuce, tomato, and an artichoke heart decorating the top. A combination I’ve not encountered before – wonder what it was alluding to, if anything


The (old, fat) man next to me on my first flight had just stayed up until 4 losing his money in the casino. That made me think: “I should try gambling.” Ha ha ha ha ha. The man also talked about Himalayan salt (wondered where he could get some), coconut water, how he doesn’t like the Chinese because they drive badly, and how he is fine with all types of people, but queers shouldn’t be allowed to display public affection because it makes him feel uncomfortable. Every time I argued with one of his points he pretended not to hear me (maybe he was actually unable to hear me). At the end of the flight he asked “what do you call a toothless bear?”

walk bike sing

Picking up my backpack before leaving the country my car broke down. Mom was downtown and gave me a jumpstart. A woman drove up, expressing seething hatred toward us. Mom patiently waved for her to go around. The woman’s exasperation was at a peak as she finally drove around. I laughed and jumped and flipped her off. By the time I got to mom’s house the coolant was boiling and smoke was emanating from the hood.

I did my laundry and printed my itinerary.

Red Cell is moving to Istanbul so Noah and I traveled the 10 feet to his party at Ikonic. I walked to the Allsup’s, intending to return with whiskey in my pocket to share with C. Instead it was 8 pm and I rode my bike to Jess’s, singing along to Rhianna as I pedaled uphill.

Among other things, I was enchanted by Jess’s book organization/collection, and their routine of shaving their legs and making sourdough on Sundays.

We went for a walk, talked about how art is bad, didn’t get drinks, and made out. I rode home, singing along to Ic3peak.


Raylets is a perfect, understated show. After saying hi to everyone I know (everyone), I suggested to Jess (profoundly attractive date) that we go to my house for tea and cake. I excelled at awkwardness as a t33n party developed around us.

Standing in the hallway, Marie Claire offered that this was an in between space. Jess went to the bathroom and I approached the group amassed in the studio: “I wanna make out what do I do?” I was headed to the kitchen for a drink when Sean picked me up, wrestled me into the hall, and blocked me from leaving.

Jess rejoined me post-battle and I sidled up like a mangy cat – “um… Would you like to make out?” They nodded and we walked shoulder to shoulder down the narrow hall.

cake and

Tuesday morning I developed a dazzling migraine and didn’t go to work. I was worried about taking this additional time off – which made the migraine worse. Instead of being in trouble, I was taken out for drinks. Lynn and Ysidro brought me a cake.

Ysidro: “you know how every day at 4pm you comment about how you would like a beer and a cake?”

Me: “!!!”

We gave our server some cake and he comped my beers.

Lynn made a toast, saying she appreciates my oddness and convictions – even if it means I don’t really fit into the work-culture. I love my advanced capitalist family.

I surprised Bea at her going away party. A pit bull puppy followed some guests and we called him “#BadBitchRiRi.” Ysidro and Miles ended up making a home for him.

C came and went, and it occurred to me that I would like to make out with C.

I walked to the Bowie party down the street, and after saying hi to everyone I know (everyone) I cornered C on the porch.

C: “MC squared?”
Me: “probably M+C, unless we are talking about parallel universes”
Shayla: “I am going to go inside and you two can talk about post-art”
Me: “Wanna make out?”

Pushing one another against walls, limbs variously entwined, I wondered why we hadn’t done this before.

C: “I wonder why we haven’t done this before.”

Xtian texted me: “Ice slab Ice Slab Ice Slab!”

Noah and I were recently talking about how making out is like beer. The other night at a show two people offered me beer. I was delighted. This week, two people consented to make out with me. I was delighted.

My make-output has gone up 100% this year over last, and it is only February. As I explained (over high fives) to Cole, “I am blossoming into a beautiful slut.”

~Home~ <3

Getting home from LA, house smells like beer, Noah had mopped 3 times (that day), still dried marshmallow scuzz on floor. T33n party, take the GRE, t33n party, clean house (only I can do this). Laundry room destroyed again. Vomit on blankets. T33n party.1426209_10153790523445505_8270469231921031094_n


Grad school deadline, heater knocked over on foot, give advice to t33ns (college would be fun for you). Kisses on the cheek from the most wasted t33ns at the t33n party.

Dead bird on porch has been placed in a ham sandwich: sculptural ashtray. Bird smells bad in the day, when she thaws… but SHE NEVER WAKES UP! A Shopping cart has found its way into the yard.


Christian and Marie Claire come over. Fonzi, Christian and Marie Claire come over. I clean the house (only I am capable of this). The recycling is comical. The Recycling doesn’t get taken out. I didn’t do it because I overslept (t33n party).


2nd Grad school deadline. T33n party. When I got back from LA (before which I had deep-cleaned house) I left instructions for how to clean house (not followed). Mailman offended by dead-bird smell, still leaves me 20 computer fans and 2 ultrasonic sensors. Renting a bending brake in Rio Rancho and learning to weld via credit card debt (haven’t been paid back for rent or bills for a while). Plane tickets also on credit card debt. Future me is going to be mad at current me.


Got a copy of my diploma attested for Aalto university application. Car tire blew out driving home. Pulled over and changed tire – they attach the bolts pneumatically so it took Considerable muscle to get them off. Cold hands lifting my car on its little jack with the wrong tool (a small bolt, for leverage).  The doughnut went totally flat driving across the parking lot. I walked home, carrying my diploma, the attested copy of my diploma, and a six pack. A dog started following me. It was funny.

Earlier that day, Dion had left 20+ post-its on my desk that each said: “PLUM WINE.” He was waiting at my house, we went to three stores that didn’t have plum wine.


Next day, late for work because the post office said they couldn’t send something to Finland. They kept giving me the wrong forms and finally said they didn’t have the right envelope. When I told them I was late for work and didn’t have a car they taped it in an over-large envelope. They bought burritos from a woman selling them from a little cooler. 


I am enabling the teen parties? Yes, because I am paying most of the rent and all of the bills. I am also lessening my chances of graduate school via being distracted and kept up late. After work the following day, knowing I was pushing up against my next deadline I joked “bar?” Tina and I went out. Tina offered for me to live with her. I said: “When can I move in?”

Goo World

Sarah used her airline points to get us tickets to LA (lucky!).


Getting up at 4:30am what I wanted was just a cold brew coffee with coconut-based ice cream in there, cacao nibs up top – get the little lady started. Portobello tempeh-bacon cashew-cheese chili burger with a salad and fried artichoke hearts to go with the coffee. A sunlit-trip to China town galleries with Raven, a free visit to botanical gardens via reciprocal museum-pass, and pizza delivered to the bungalow with some friends and beers. A talk on psychic dogs at a bar, followed by a noise show.



Studying for the GRE before anyone else gets up, I discovered a coffee date almost by accident because LA is easy. Museum of Jurassic technology was a magical process of discovery, also free with my reciprocal pass. At a thrift store I found $200 Italian trousers, pockets not yet seam-ripped, fit me perfectly: $18. Venice beach was down the street. Ran straight into the ocean – me: skinny jeans and turtleneck, Crocket: underwear. We walked around for a couple hours after that, picturing life on scooters by the beach, trick-or-treating for cocktails at the houses of the wealthy. Cold butts, but easy-cold, like 50 degrees fahrenheit.


Skyping with Emily/Benji in future-time (Hong Kong) and getting a virtual tour of part of the city while drinking 4Loko. A NYE party where we played tag with Brendan and Alanna. They have to come back to Fe to get us back.


Pho with Everything is Terrible after after a look at his upstairs China Town studio (where they rented him out, and he was counting hundreds of Jerry Maguire VHSs). Everything at Ph0 87 had beef, pork, chicken, or shrimp, except the vegan pho – which was excellent. As was the coconut cream and red bean drink.



I found a cutie – “Yin” asked them “Beach?” to which they replied “yuh.” We didn’t manage to coordinate outside of a text-chain, but nice to know I have game in a place where there is one.



At the second beach, Point Doom, we hiked down some cliffy-landscape. Crocket and I went swimming in the waves at sunset ~ perfect hair forever ~ Sarah and Sandra opened the matte black champagne bottle and we drank on the sand till it was dark.


.99 store has those $6 lettuce bins, but fresh, for.99. Also everything else. Move to LA, get part time work at MOCA and foodstamps, spend them at .99 store –  start an illegal taco stand and make a killing (vegan killing). “Taco Beast” a reference to Taco Bell if Taco Bell is Taco Belle: Taco Belle and the Taco Beast.


Flagstaff Arizona at The Monty, where it turned out Crocket and I had both gone on tour, we walked to the vegan curry place and cursed the parking. Sitting in the “most haunted” hotel room, we all talked ~the feelings~ and ~the thoughts~ I realized I have never heard Sandra say anything negative. She makes clear statements, well thought out, and compassionate, about every subject. I aspire to her outlook, and communication skills. I aspire to be like my friends in many ways, Sarah for her super observant/critical nature and limitless kindness, Crocket for perseverance, outlook, and getting shit done.

On the road trip back we ate limitless snax from .99 store. A trucker told me she liked my hair, said she would let her son cut her hair after seeing my do. Crocket said: “Why didn’t you leave with her? Free U.S. tour!



I wasn’t getting my arduino patch to work so I decided to do something easy and wire computer fans. Once that was done I needed to build a little water-vapor machine, but the styrofoam box I had found in the backyard was a too small. I took a dull kitchen knife to carve out the inside and cut my knuckle. Noah was in the bathroom, where I thought some bandages might exist, so I sucked the blood from the cut for a few minutes and thought about what I should do next.

Noah got out of the shower and I ran a bath with as much hot water as I could get (about ⅓ of the tub), trimming my pubic hair as the water ran, thinking that the action may be futile, but how nice would it be to get laid in the near future? I Don’t know.  

The bath got cold quickly and the paper-towel/tape around my cut became inefficient. The little drops of blood were beautiful falling  and spreading in the water.

The towel was wet so I danced around and mopped up the blood that was still falling from my hand with toilet paper. I finally wrangled a bandage around the cut and stood in front of the heater, where my wardrobe was drying. (Today I figured out that I could hang my wet clothing from magnets on the Monster, and that is more efficient than using the broken dryer).

This morning I had a dream Romy was in town. She sat on some flat tan rocks. It was sunny and there were pools of water nearby. She was shirtless. I was so excited to see her! I kissed her cheeks and neck endlessly.

After sitting by the heater for (X) I wrote to Romy and caught up on my journal.


I brought Bea a “kit” (flowers and the vase she had left at my house). We all drank Modelos and whiskey and ate curry. It was just like the summer in that things felt fun and Lucas and I were topless . Lucas’ haircut was a community endeavor. I took his ponytail to put in our shrine along with the “girl hair.”


When I visited Kristen in New York in 2008 she had so much work to do, end of semester style. She lived on 4 hours of sleep a night and we slept together on her twin dorm bed.

We were at the big dining hall, having breakfast one day and as I poured cereal into a bowl she started chanting: “you are a bachelor, you can have as much cereal as you want, you can have as much sex as you want!” We jumped around and laughed. It was a shower of neurochemical joy that cancelled out every other thing.

We have had this bag of puffed millet at my house for several months. Tonight I came home late, poured hot sauce on a cup of it, and thought about that moment.


I ate 8 tangerines, dhal, fried rice, and a salad over the course of the day (also coffee and green tea). Dion asked me for a bite of my salad and said it was good, then we all talked about dressings (I had made a spicy/creamy one with chickpeas and chipotle).

On Dion’s suggestion, As I re-sized photos I listened to a talk from Dr Greger, who analyzes every nutrition report over the course of the year. Basically don’t eat animal products, they cause cancer, alzheimer’s, etc.  Also, it literally kills animals to kill them 4 food. 

Tina asked if I had painkillers, I went to 5 and Dime and got some for her along with a cake (Cliff Builders Bar)

Dion wrote: “Rhodia Rosea” on a piece of paper for me after I yawned

Crocket came into the store around twilight (4:30). We had a break to drink apple cider and go joy riding.

Bethany and Dion went over reports, 10% of new customers come in through the web, up from around 3% last year. Don’t know if that growth is good or not good but I am responsible for it.


My dad, Sarah, and I were hiking through illuminated snow to the caves for new year’s eve. It was either someone’s ephemeral new media project that was creating light patterns on the ground, or the northern lights.

The caves were large and well lit. We sat on the ground and watched the otherworldly dancing. Oliver and Corvas were among the performers, wearing completely sheer capes over naked bodies. They flipped around, holding their weight on their arms, wiggling their torsos like they didn’t have bones.

Corvas noticed me watching and we made vivid eye contact: he was showing me this secret. It was the best dancing I had ever seen. 
It became one of those days where I never fully woke up, but the dream colored my day in this sublime way. Now all I want to do is dance like that.